The Funnies.

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The Funnies.

Post  C.Hound on Mon May 03, 2010 9:58 pm

After a long night of making love
the guy notices a photo of another man
on the woman's nightstand by the bed.

He begins to worry.
'Is this your husband?'
he nervously asks.

'No, silly,'
she replies, snuggling up to him.

'Your boyfriend, then?'he continues.

'No, not at all,'
she says, nibbling away at his ear.

'Is it your dad or your brother?'
he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

'No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!'

she answers.

'Well, who in the hell is he, then?'
he demands.

She whispers in his ear
'That's me before the surgery.'

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Re: The Funnies.

Post  OT on Tue May 04, 2010 10:56 am

C.Hound wrote:After a long night of making love
the guy notices a photo of another man
on the woman's nightstand by the bed.

He begins to worry.
'Is this your husband?'
he nervously asks.

'No, silly,'
she replies, snuggling up to him.

'Your boyfriend, then?'he continues.

'No, not at all,'
she says, nibbling away at his ear.

'Is it your dad or your brother?'
he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

'No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!'

she answers.

'Well, who in the hell is he, then?'
he demands.

She whispers in his ear
'That's me before the surgery.'

One dead S.O.B. Evil or Very Mad

OT

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Re: The Funnies.

Post  C.Hound on Tue May 04, 2010 12:41 pm

OT wrote:
C.Hound wrote:After a long night of making love
the guy notices a photo of another man
on the woman's nightstand by the bed.

He begins to worry.
'Is this your husband?'
he nervously asks.

'No, silly,'
she replies, snuggling up to him.

'Your boyfriend, then?'he continues.

'No, not at all,'
she says, nibbling away at his ear.

'Is it your dad or your brother?'
he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

'No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!'

she answers.

'Well, who in the hell is he, then?'
he demands.

She whispers in his ear
'That's me before the surgery.'

One dead S.O.B. Evil or Very Mad

Yup. affraid

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Re: The Funnies.

Post  C.Hound on Tue May 04, 2010 7:44 pm

A man took his elderly father to a nursing home to check it out. He sat his father down on a sofa in the main aisle way and went to talk with the administrators.

The old man started to tilt slowly toward the left. A Doctor came by and said, "Let me help you." The Doctor piled several pillows on the left side of the old man so he would stay upright.

The older man started to tilt slowly to the right. An orderly noticed and put several more pillows on his right side to keep him upright.

The old man started to lean forward when a nurse came by and piled several pillows in front of him. About this time, the son returned.

"Well, Dad, isn't this a nice place."

The old man replied, "I guess it's ok, but they won't let me fart."

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Re: The Funnies.

Post  OT on Thu May 06, 2010 9:06 am

Get ready to laugh

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Re: The Funnies.

Post  OT on Thu May 20, 2010 8:43 pm

Letter home from a redneck marine

Dear Ma and Pa,


I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.


I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.


Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again.. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.


We go on 'route marches,' which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A 'route march' is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.


The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.


This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why.. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges They come in boxes.


Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake .. I only beat him once... He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6' and 130 pounds and he's 6'8' and near 300 pounds dry.


Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.



Your loving daughter,

Alice

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Re: The Funnies.

Post  night-reaper on Wed May 26, 2010 8:18 pm

A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel. She didn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register. There is a Wal-Mart "associate" standing there with dark glasses on.

The woman says, "Excuse me sir...can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?" The man says "Ma'am I'm blind, but if you drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes when it hits."

She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway. The salesman says, "That's a 6' graphite rod with Zebco 202 reel and 10lb test line. It's a good all around rod and reel and it's $20.00."

The woman says, "That's amazing that you can tell all of that just by the sound it makes dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for, so I'll take it."

The man walks behind the counter to the register. In the meantime the woman, who's had an upset stomach, farts. At first she's embarrassed, but then she realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her. Being blind he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

The blind salesman rings up the sale ans says "That will be $29.50." The woman says, "but didn't you say it was $20.00?" He say "Yes madam, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $7.00 and the catfish bait is $2.50."

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Re: The Funnies.

Post  OT on Fri May 28, 2010 11:29 am

For every parent, everywhere.. Very Happy Very Happy


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Re: The Funnies.

Post  OT on Fri May 28, 2010 2:32 pm

OT wrote:For every parent, everywhere.. Very Happy Very Happy



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Re: The Funnies.

Post  night-reaper on Fri Jun 04, 2010 9:04 pm

Drinking with a Redneck Girl

A Mexican, an Iraqi, and a redneck girl are in the same bar. When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces.

He says, "In Mexico our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice."

The Iraqi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Iraq we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either."

The redneck girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, down it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her .45, and shoots the Mexican and Iraqi. Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says, "In America we have so many illegal Mexicans and Arabs that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice."

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Re: The Funnies.

Post  Tulip on Sun Jun 06, 2010 4:07 pm

C.Hound wrote:After a long night of making love
the guy notices a photo of another man
on the woman's nightstand by the bed.

He begins to worry.
'Is this your husband?'
he nervously asks.

'No, silly,'
she replies, snuggling up to him.

'Your boyfriend, then?'he continues.

'No, not at all,'
she says, nibbling away at his ear.

'Is it your dad or your brother?'
he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

'No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!'

she answers.

'Well, who in the hell is he, then?'
he demands.

She whispers in his ear
'That's me before the surgery.'

That was funny.

Ya know something this really has happened to people. Not so funny then. What a shocker.

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Re: The Funnies.

Post  C.Hound on Mon Jun 07, 2010 10:48 am

Tulip wrote:
C.Hound wrote:After a long night of making love
the guy notices a photo of another man
on the woman's nightstand by the bed.

He begins to worry.
'Is this your husband?'
he nervously asks.

'No, silly,'
she replies, snuggling up to him.

'Your boyfriend, then?'he continues.

'No, not at all,'
she says, nibbling away at his ear.

'Is it your dad or your brother?'
he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

'No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!'

she answers.

'Well, who in the hell is he, then?'
he demands.

She whispers in his ear
'That's me before the surgery.'

That was funny.

Ya know something this really has happened to people. Not so funny then. What a shocker.

I used to work as a stocker at a 24 hour grociery store in town. There was a group of transvestites and trans-sexuals that always shopped in the store. I can't tell you how many times I saw them come in with young GI's they'd picked up in bars. Well one of the leader of the transgenders and I had had our run ins, mostly because it had flirted with me before in front of the guys and I just couldn't let it roll off. Not in front of the guys. So I laughed, and told it that I didn't care if they had been lopt off it was still a dude and my tree don't lean that way.

One night I was walking by the bakery and it and one of it's friends was there looking at some cakes and it said to me, "You need to buy me one of these ice-cream cakes." and I just kept walking. It offered me a bj if I'd buy one, and I just gave it a disgusted look and kept walking.

A few weeks later it came in on a night I happened to be the manager on duty. It was blistered and it was with a drunk GI. I was on an isle talking to one of the guys that cleaned the floors when they walked by. It come to me and said "This one promised me a ice-cream cake! Where's my cake?". Now I'd been up most of that day fishing and drinking, more drinking than fishing actually, and was still feeling the effects. So the first thing that came to mind was being spit out of my mouth as soon as it came to mind. I asked where my bj was.

It went off! "Did you hear what he said!? I want to talk to the manager!" She asked the guy cleaning the floor where she'd find the manager and this poor guy, eye wide as if he'd seen a ghost, pointed at me and said, "He... he is the manager." The GI looked unsure of what to do and started to say something, I just looked at him and said, "You do relize that dude don't ya? And it needs a shave." He looked over at it and his eyes got wide as his face went pale. Then he walked away. Never did see him again. I had a nice long talk with my boss that morning before I left to warn him that he might get a complaint. All he could do was laugh and ask me if I'd really asked it it for a bj. Never heard anything else about that night. But I had many more such adventures with blonde, which is what we had nick named it.

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Re: The Funnies.

Post  C.Hound on Mon Jun 07, 2010 2:28 pm

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

At the beginning of a trial in a small southern town, the prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly elderly woman to the stand.

He approached her and asked, "Mrs Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr Williams. I've known you since you were a little boy and frankly you've turned out to be a big dissapointment to our community. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people, and then talk about them behind their backs. You think you're some kinda bigshot in this town, when the truth is you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher.....Yes, I know you".

The lawyer was stunned, and not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why yes I do. I've known Mr Bradley since he was a youngster too. He's grown to be a lazy, biggoted, foul mouthed jerk with a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not the mention he's cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife as I recall.......Yes, I know him." The defense attorney nearly had a coronary and sank down in his chair.

At that moment the judge called both attorneys to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair."

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Re: The Funnies.

Post  Tulip on Mon Jun 07, 2010 6:23 pm

C.Hound wrote:
Tulip wrote:
C.Hound wrote:After a long night of making love
the guy notices a photo of another man
on the woman's nightstand by the bed.

He begins to worry.
'Is this your husband?'
he nervously asks.

'No, silly,'
she replies, snuggling up to him.

'Your boyfriend, then?'he continues.

'No, not at all,'
she says, nibbling away at his ear.

'Is it your dad or your brother?'
he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

'No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!'

she answers.

'Well, who in the hell is he, then?'
he demands.

She whispers in his ear
'That's me before the surgery.'

That was funny.

Ya know something this really has happened to people. Not so funny then. What a shocker.

I used to work as a stocker at a 24 hour grociery store in town. There was a group of transvestites and trans-sexuals that always shopped in the store. I can't tell you how many times I saw them come in with young GI's they'd picked up in bars. Well one of the leader of the transgenders and I had had our run ins, mostly because it had flirted with me before in front of the guys and I just couldn't let it roll off. Not in front of the guys. So I laughed, and told it that I didn't care if they had been lopt off it was still a dude and my tree don't lean that way.

One night I was walking by the bakery and it and one of it's friends was there looking at some cakes and it said to me, "You need to buy me one of these ice-cream cakes." and I just kept walking. It offered me a bj if I'd buy one, and I just gave it a disgusted look and kept walking.

A few weeks later it came in on a night I happened to be the manager on duty. It was blistered and it was with a drunk GI. I was on an isle talking to one of the guys that cleaned the floors when they walked by. It come to me and said "This one promised me a ice-cream cake! Where's my cake?". Now I'd been up most of that day fishing and drinking, more drinking than fishing actually, and was still feeling the effects. So the first thing that came to mind was being spit out of my mouth as soon as it came to mind. I asked where my bj was.

It went off! "Did you hear what he said!? I want to talk to the manager!" She asked the guy cleaning the floor where she'd find the manager and this poor guy, eye wide as if he'd seen a ghost, pointed at me and said, "He... he is the manager." The GI looked unsure of what to do and started to say something, I just looked at him and said, "You do relize that dude don't ya? And it needs a shave." He looked over at it and his eyes got wide as his face went pale. Then he walked away. Never did see him again. I had a nice long talk with my boss that morning before I left to warn him that he might get a complaint. All he could do was laugh and ask me if I'd really asked it it for a bj. Never heard anything else about that night. But I had many more such adventures with blonde, which is what we had nick named it.

Sounds to me there are many GI's who got really drunk and had adventures like that.
I would imagine theirs are stories they would never tell.

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Re: The Funnies.

Post  OT on Thu Jun 10, 2010 4:25 pm

Whether you own a dog or not, you must appreciate the efforts of this owner to sell her dog. Be sure to read her sales pitch beneath the picture.








Dog For Sale
Free to good home. Excellent guard dog. Owner cannot afford to feed him anymore, as there are no more drug pushers, thieves, murderers, or molesters left in the neighborhood for him to eat. Most of them knew Jethro only by his Oriental street name,

Ho Lee Schitt.

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Re: The Funnies.

Post  OT on Mon Jun 14, 2010 2:42 pm

Katie Couric, Charlie Gibson, Brian Williams and a tough old U.S. Marine Sergeant were captured by terrorists in Iraq . The leader of the terrorists told them he'd grant each of them one last request before they were beheaded and dragged naked through the streets.


Katie Couric said, 'Well, I'm a Southerner, so I'd like one last plate of fried chicken.'

The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the chicken.

Couric ate it all and said, 'Now I can die content.'



Charlie Gibson said, 'I'm living in ' New York , so I'd like to hear the song, The Moon and Me, one last time.'

The terrorist leader nodded to another terrorist who had studied the Western world and knew the music.

He returned with some rag-tag musicians and played the song.

Gibson was satisfied.

Brian Williams said, 'I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe, someday, someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end.'

The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and
Williams dictated his comments.

He then said, 'Now I can die happy.'

The leader turned and asked, 'And now, Mr. U.S. Marine, what is your final wish?

'Kick me in the ass,' said the Marine...

'What?' asked the leader, 'Will you mock us in your last hour?'

'No, I'm NOT kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass,' insisted the Marine.

So the leader shoved him into the yard and kicked him in the ass.

The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol from inside his cammies and shot the leader dead.

In the resulting confusion, he emptied his sidearm on six terrorists, then with his knife he slashed the throat of one, and with an AK-47, which he took, sprayed the rest of the terrorists killing another 11.

In a flash, all of them were either dead or fleeing for their lives.

As the Marine was untying Couric, Gibson, and Williams, they asked him, 'Why didn't you just shoot them all in the first place? Why did you ask him to kick you in the ass?'

'What?' replied the Marine, 'and have you three assholes report that I was the aggressor.....?'


Semper Fi!



If You Are Not Willing To Stand Behind Our Troops, Please, Please Feel Free To Stand In Front Of Them!

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Re: The Funnies.

Post  OT on Thu Jun 17, 2010 11:29 am


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Re: The Funnies.

Post  OT on Fri Jun 18, 2010 2:46 pm


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Re: The Funnies.

Post  OT on Sat Jun 19, 2010 7:12 am


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Re: The Funnies.

Post  OT on Mon Jun 21, 2010 8:28 am


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Re: The Funnies.

Post  night-reaper on Thu Sep 30, 2010 8:31 pm

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the w-a-t-e-r glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1.) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2.) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3.) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4.) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5.) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6.) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7.) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.

8.) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the poo out of him.

9.) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10.) We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T".

11.) When Jesus broke bread at the last supper he said, "take this and eat it for it is my body". He did not say "Eat me".

12.) The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the cherry".

13.) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.

14.) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.


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Re: The Funnies.

Post  OT on Fri Oct 01, 2010 11:43 pm

night-reaper wrote:A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the w-a-t-e-r glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1.) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2.) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3.) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4.) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5.) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6.) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7.) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.

8.) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the poo out of him.

9.) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10.) We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T".

11.) When Jesus broke bread at the last supper he said, "take this and eat it for it is my body". He did not say "Eat me".

12.) The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the cherry".

13.) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.

14.) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.


loved it.

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